Parking Humor

This one sent to me by my sister a while ago:

PARKING TICKET


I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Skiing Humor

Well, cleaning out my emails has found some old jokes. So I figured I would go ahead and publish them as I see fit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of
exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-
in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after
every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of
your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared
on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20
times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory
bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them
with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your
toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to
run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a
hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's
in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the
spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to
take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until
it's time for the real thing!

The 306 Greatest Books #97 - Holes

The next up on my reading of the 306 greatest books is Holes by Louis Sachar. This book can be found on the BBC and My Book Lists.

I had a preconceived notion about this book because I saw the movie a few years ago and rather enjoyed it, making me feel like I would enjoy the book as well, and I was right. The movie followed the book rather closely, but it still had been long enough since I saw the movie that not everything was as obvious to me while I was reading through the book. The story is well paced, often bouncing back and forth between the past and the "current time", always making it clear what time you were in. My favorite thing about the book is that there wasn't one wasted part of the story. Anything mentioned in the historical context actually came back up in the present context, even when you wouldn't have thought of it. Overall, I would list this as one of my must reads because not only is it a fun story, I feel it was very well written and actually displays a very good moral lesson.   

Graco = Freaking Awesome

Well everyone has done it. Tried to deal with one of these freaking companies who doesn't give a crap but likes to pretend that they do. Well I was all started for another fight when I sent an email to Graco about a baby swing we bought/received as a baby shower gift for Annabelle because it stopped working right. Well I looked up all the specks and made sure the batteries were charged because you know that is the first question then went to the website and sent them an email.

My swing started recently to not swing when my baby is in it. It makes the noise like it is swinging and then swings when I take her out of it. I replaced the batteries to no avail. She is less than 19 lbs, so she is easily in the weight limit. I was wondering what the warranty on this item is.

Well then they sent me a message the next day, and to my surprise it was this:

Jim,

We are sorry to hear of the problem with the product. We will be happy to assist you with this. The motor unit is replaceable and we have ordered it for you. Please, allow 10 business days for delivery.

Wait, what? Nothing extra, no charge, no hastle. Just that? Not even a second email (they took my address on the initial order form). This is too good to be true.

So I waited and a week later and they sent the motor. Veronica and I worried that it would take quite a bit of work to take the motor housing apart and input a new motor, but whatever it was easy so far, so this isn't that big a deal. But what do they send but the whole freaking motor housing. It took me about 4 minutes to pop the old one off and put the new one on. I mean really, this company is awesome and I actually did have an A+ customer service. Way to go.

2010 Personal Goals - December Update

11 months in, almost over.

1. Finish first draft of my novel -
January 1st - 1st third done
February 1st - Nothing new
March 1st - Nothing
April 1st - Nothing
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st - Nothing
July 1st - Nothing
August 1st - I actually did start working on this. Reread over part of section 1
September 1st - Nothing new
October 1st - Nothing New
November 1st - Nothing new
December 1st - Nothing

2. Drop weight to 167
January 1st - 175.0
February 1st - 176.0
March 1st - 176.0
April 1st - 176.6
May 1st - 176.6
June 1st - 169.2 - Apparently walking around with Gummy Bear non-stop is a good weight loss plan.
July 1st - 170.0
August 1st - 170.2
September 1st - 172.2
October 1st - 173.4
November 1st - 174.2
December 1st - 175.8


3. Balance our budget
January 1st - Things are looking up for this year
February 1st - Working over the winter break helped, a $1700 car repair bill did not
March 1st - Going the wrong way, another car bill as well as a new carpet and apparently I owe on my taxes, great.
April 1st - Working out those extra expenses a little bit at a time
May 1st - Still working it out
June 1st - Getting closer
July 1st - Bah
August 1st - Still bah
September 1st - Still bah
October 1st - Since the desktop went on the fritz I have been keeping a close eye on this
November 1st - Yea, prolly not going to happen this year :-(
December 1st - Well, not getting worse


a. Pay credit card
January 1st - Only one card left
February 1st - Still one card left
March 1st - Still on to go
April 1st - Still working on the one
May 1st - One
June 1st - One
July 1st - One to go but I made a large payment on it last month
August 1st - One
September 1st - One
October 1st - One
November 1st - One
December 1st - PAID OFF!!!!


4. Read a total of 100 of the greatest books on my lists
January 1st - Current count 86
February 1st - In the middle of Canterbury Tales
March 1st - Took a break from Canterbury Tales, time to get back
April 1st - Finished Canterbury Tales. 13 left to go. Reading Madame Bovary now
May 1st - Finished Madame Bovary. 12 left to go. Reading The Maltese Falcon now
June 1st - Finished The Maltese Falcon and The Twits. 10 left to go. Reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory now
July 1st - Finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 9 left to go. Not sure what to read next, I have a couple of choices lined up.
August 1st - Finished Matilda. 8 left to go.
September 1st - Finished Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Charlotte's Web. 6 left to go.
October 1st - Finished The Secret Garden. 5 left to go.
November 1st - No time to finish a book, still 5 to go.
December 1st - Finished The Wind in the Willows. 4 to go.


5. Finish 2 more movies on my Geological Movie Review
January 1st - Look to start 2 new movies
February 1st - Nothing done on this
March 1st - Nothing done
April 1st - Nothing done
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st -Nothing
July 1st - Started working on Earthquake!
August 1st - In the middle of one
September 1st - Nothing new
October 1st - Nothing new
November 1st - Nothing
December 1st - Nothing


a. Also update the last two I did
January 1st - One out of 3 up to par
February 1st - Nothing done on this
March 1st - Nothing done
April 1st - Nothing done
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st - Nothing
July 1st - Nothing
August 1st - Got the first 2 parts of Armageddon out
September 1st - Finished Armageddon. 1 left to do.
October 1st - Nothing New
November 1st - Nothing
December 1st - Nothing

Other items of interest:
School is taking up the majority of my free time, and I am currently just trying to finish up the semester. On a lighter note Annabelle's first Thanksgiving was great.