Santa's Out of Prozac - Humor

Here is some Santa humor. Watch out for naughty language.


Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Jimmy

Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,at least HE can spell!
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark

Dear Marky Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

The 306 Greatest Books #113 - Far From the Madding Crowd

The next up on my reading of the 306 greatest books is Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. This book can be found on the Sybervision and the BBC book lists.

I have mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand the ending was exactly as I had hoped for during the duration of the book and I felt excited that it was actually happening. I was also pleased that I wasn't sure exactly what direction the book was going for the majority of it. It kept me guessing. On the other hand I kind of get tired with books that take a strong female lead and beat her into submission for the majority of the book. The main female character, Bathsheba, was this strong, independent woman who could not stand to think of a relationship for the first half of the book. But then that one man comes into her life that spells trouble. The story revolves around the mistakes she has made in her 'love' life and how she must own up to them. The book is well written and easy to follow, so there were no problems there. At the end of the book I felt that it was a must recommend (based on that satisfactory conclusion) but for the majority of it I couldn't see this as being a good book in the modern context (I don't typically appreciate the degradation of a strong female character). So I will say that you should read it if you are aware of what you are in for and can accept that.

2012 Personal Goals - Month 10 Update

10 Months down. Almost done with the year.

1. Finish first draft of my novel -
January 1st - 3rd year on the list. Lets see if I can do it this year. Starting point - 1st section first draft is done.
Months 1-10 Update - Nothing new

2. Drop weight to 167
January 1st - Again 3rd year on the list. I think I will have a little more time this year to get it done. Starting point - 182.1.
Month 1 Update - 181.7
Month 2 Update - 179.0
Month 3 Update - 178.3
Month 4 Update - 175.3
Month 5 Update - 173.6
Month 6 Update - 172.1
Month 7 Update - 169.5 (Almost there!!)
Month 8 Update - 169.9
Month 9 Update - 168.2
Month 10 Update - 170.1

3 Read 2 of the Top Ten books on Zanes book list
January 1st - 3 books are left on the list. I am currently in the middle of War and Peace and hope to finish it by March.
Month 1 Update - Finished Book 3 of 4 in War and Peace.
Month 2 Update - Finished War and Peace. 1 book to go.
Months 3-10 Update - Nothing new


4. Read 7 books on the Sybervision Book List for a total of 75
January 1st - To get to a nice round number of 75 I want to finish 7 more books.
Month 1 Update - Reading War and Peace
Month 2 Update - Finished War and Peace. 6 books to go.
Month 3 Update - Nothing new
Month 4 Update - Read Camille and The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. 4 books to go.
Month 5 Update - Read How We Think. 3 books to go.
Month 6 Update - Read Carmen. 2 books to go.
Month 7 Update - Read Turn of the Screw. 1 Book to go.
Months 8-10 Update - Nothing new.

5. Read 7 books on the BBC Book List for a total of 45
January 1st - These are generally easier books to read, especially with Annabelle.
Month 1 Update - Reading Anne of Green Gables and War and Peace
Month 2 Update - Finished War and Peace. 6 books to go.
Month 3 Update - Finished Anne of Green Gables. 5 books to go.
Month 4 Update - Nothing new
Month 5 Update - Read The Faraway Tree. 4 books to go.
Month 6 Update - Read The Story of Tracy Beaker. 3 books to go.
Month 7 Update - Read Double Act. 2 Books to go.
Month 8 Update - Nothing new.
Month 9 Update - Read Girls in Love. 1 book to go.
Month 10 Update - Nothing new

6. Update 2 Geologic Movie Reviews
January 1st - I have 1 update I need to do one one movie and a complete overhaul of the other.
Months 1-7 Update - Nothing new
Month 8 Update - Finished the corrections to Dante's Peak. 1 to go.
Months 9-10 Update - Nothing new

7. Finish 1 more movie on my Geological Movie Review
January 1st - Look to do 1 more movie, most likely Earthquake!.
Months 1-10 Update - Nothing new


8. Watch 15 of the 100 Greatest Movies of All Time (according to AFI)
January 1st - Current count 70 so 15 more will get me 1/2 way to the goal.
Month 1 Update - Watched High Noon. 14 more to go.
Month 2 Update - Watched Double Indemnity. 13 more to go.
Months 3-6 Update - Nothing new
Month 7 Update - Watched Sunset Boulevard. 12 more to go.
Month 8 Update - Nothing new.
Month 9 Update - Watched The Gold Rush. 11 more to go.
Month 10 Update - Nothing new

10. Skin the top of the Hovercraft
January 1st - I finished working on the bottom last year so lets see if I can get the top done this year. And with my new garage heater I will be able to work during the colder months.
Months 1-8 Update - Nothing new
Month 9 Update - Put on one coat of protectant. Nothing much but it's a start.
Month 10 Update - Nothing new


11. Catalogue, photograph, and organize Star Wars collection by CVI
January 1st - With Star Wars Celebration VI coming up in August I want to catalogue and photograph my collection to get ready to know anything I need to buy when I go.
Month 1 Update - Caught up on the pile of recent stuff but nothing else.
Months 2-7 Update - Nothing new
Month 8 Update - Went to CVI but didn't get this finished in time, will have to get this done by the end of the year.
Months 9-10 Update - Nothing new.


12. Do 1 major job each month on the "Things to Do for the House" list
January 1st - With an updated list we have 20 things that we want to do to get the house in tip-top shape.
Month 1 Update - Started working on some things but nothing finished
Month 2 Update - Finished putting boards in the attic and moving stuff up there. 1 task done, 11 to go.
Month 3 Update - I was going to replace the side door but it turned out to be a lot more work than I anticipated so I only have it about 2/3rds done. 11 still to go.
Month 4 Update - Finished installing the new side door. 10 to go.
Month 5 Update - Extended the sprinkle head. 9 to go.
Month 6 Update - Several projects are in process but one project took a lot more work than was anticipated. Still 9 to go.
Months 7-8 Update - Nothing more completed
Month 9 Update - Finished removing the mirror and upgrading the attic. 7 Projects to go.
Month 10 Update - Nothing new

Other items of note:
Very busy month. I traveled to NY for my sister's wedding. Had the Tough Mudder which I thought I did very well in. Went to Vegas with my wife and best friend. And work on my dissertation. Very very busy. Hopefully November isn't so rushed.

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9. (DONE) Do 1 Geological Fact for each month.
January 1st - This went over well last year so let's do it again.
Month 1 Update - I wanted to finish these early and release them as the months went by. I have 9 done so far. 3 left to go.
Month 2 Update - Finished the last 3. So this task is DONE!