Monday, February 17, 2014

Humor - Medical School

This was sent to me a while ago and was a newspaper article written by my ungrad advisor's brother.

Would doctors today be so observant? C Josh Young 2004

My dad went to Harvard Medical School when its faculty was a Who's Who of the most famous doctors and medical scientists in America. Although from a poor family, by dint of hard work and a keen mind, my father graduated in the top half of a class dominated by graduates of fancy prep schools and the country's most prestigious universities. One story he liked to tell was about his last lab class at Harvard. Spring was in the air, and the students were excited to be moving on. Most had already received their next assignments as interns at hospitals around the country.

The students filed into the laboratory, but were disappointed to see the hard nosed professor had still more work for them. Other professors  had yielded to the inevitable, and either dismissed classes early that day, or allowed the students to spend their final hour reminiscing. It should have come as little wonder, however, that their toughest professor still wouldn't let up.

There were warm and fragrant breezes outside, but in the chilly, tiled lab, a tepid yellow specimen sat waiting at each lab station. What possible tests could they run on urine, that they hadn't performed a hundred times before, they wondered.

"Gentlemen," the crusty old prof. began with his usual formality, "as you know, this will be your final laboratory class at Harvard. Today is my last chance to improve your feeble minds and give some hope to the poor patients you will one day serve." The students eyed each other, as if daring one another to make some smart remark, but in those days faculty members tolerated no dissent, and a wisecrack might be grounds enough to fail the course. You could have heard a pin drop.

"If I have taught you anything this semester," the ancient professor droned on, "I hope it is the paramount importance of observation. It is central to your future work as physicians, and without it, the best medicines will be useless in your hands.

"Observation has been a part of medicine since the time of Hippocrates, and it will be a part of medicine when you are all long gone," the professor predicted.

"Today, as proof of the lasting validity of one's powers of observation, we will discuss the classic test for diabetes," he continued ominously.

At this, some of the better informed students became noticeably alarmed.

"For generations, indeed, for centuries, before science devised the modern tests for diabetes, which you have learned and practiced all year, the only way healers could assess imbalances of blood sugars was by tasting the patient's urine."

At the risk of drawing the professor's wrath, a few involuntary murmurs could be heard.

"Yes, Gentlemen, back then, a healer would have to taste a patient's urine, and determine by taste and smell what treatment was indicated." Outright groans went up as the professor deliberately dipped his finger in the beaker before him, swirling it around a bit for effect. He then raised his hand to his lips, gave a tentative lick, smiled, and licked again.

As if tasting a wine to judge its age and origin, the professor gave a quizzical look, and then spewed out voluminous facts about the relative tastes of urine. The students frantically scribbled notes. If the urine was sweet, it meant this; a bitter flavor indicated that; a strong salty taste, in the absence of sweetness, meant a quite different diagnosis was in order.

Then, finally, came the moment of truth.

Raising his beaker of urine, as if in a toast to the future graduates, the professor instructed his students to proceed.

"Tut, tut, now. Overcome your petty aversions, Gentlemen, and do as I just demonstrated, so you can test your powers of observation. Fresh urine is sterile, after all, and none of you will consume enough toxins to make you sick."

One by one the students proceeded with the experiment, some grimacing, others making an effort to show no emotion at all. A few strangely smiled.

"Now, Gentlemen," the professor finally continued, when he was satisfied each of them had dipped and licked, "those of you who are truly observant, will have noticed that, while I dipped my index finger into the urine in the beaker before me, it was actually a different finger which I licked.

"Thank you, Gentlemen. Class dismissed!"

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Humor - Gerbil Joke

This was sent to me a while ago but it is even funnier now that I live in Salt Lake City.

Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- An actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


Although, further research indicates that this is likely made up, it doesn't mean that it still isn't funny: 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Humor - Late Night Alcohol Lecture

Stopped by police @ 2am. An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Humor - Clever Bumper Stickers

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like ... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

2014 Personal Goals - Month 1 Update

1 month down and back to not being able to do anything :-).

1. Finish 1st Draft of my Novel
Start - Again on the list.

2. Drop weight to 167
Start - This has also been on the list since the beginning. Starting at 183.8
Month 1 - 182.0

3. Read 1 of the Top Ten Books on Zane's List
Start - In the middle of The Stories of Anton Chekhov.

4. Read 7 books on the Sybervision Book List (including 1 in the Science or Philosophy sections)
Start - Current count is at 78.
Month 1 - Finished The Prince and the Pauper. 6 to go.

5. Read 2 books on the BBC Book List
Start - Current count is at 48.

6. Finish 1 more Geological Movie Review
Start - Earthquake still looks like the best bet.

7. Watch 10 of the 100 Greatest Movies of All Time
Start - Current count is at 75.

8. Finish 56 things on the Blog/Website Things to do List (~1 a week)
Start - The list currently has ~150 things on it.
Month 1 - Started working on some stuff but have nothing finished.

9. Finish 10 things on the House Things to do List
Start - The list currently has 29 things on it.
Month 1 - Finished fixing all the "sweating" toilets. 9 to go.

10. Finish skinning the top of the hovercraft
Start - I started working on it 2 years ago but with wood purchased lat year I hope to finish that part.

11. Get my Sprint Triathlon time under 1:25:00
Start - My current official best is 1:41:45.2

12. Get my 5K time under 23 minutes
Start - My current unofficial best is ~28:30

13. Catalogue and Photograph the Comics portion of my Star Wars Collections
Start - Currently I have some of the comics photographed so if I get the time this should

14. Finish Dissertation
Start - Currently I have to finish up analyses, finish writing, and format it. Not much work at all.
Month 1 - Working steadily on this. Finished 1 chapter out of the remaining 3, with another one almost done.
15. Submit 3 Scientific Manuscripts to Journals 
Start - I have 3 manuscripts in the almost there phase. I hope to get these submitted soon.
Month 1 - These will get submitted once the dissertation is completed.

16. Defeat 5 console Star Wars Games
Start - With collecting so many games that I have not had time to play I want to set aside some game time.

-------------------------------------------Other items of Note-----------------------------------------------

       So, January was a very busy month. I started my new job working 32 hours a week doing GIS work currently and hopefully will take on some paleo consulting eventually. My daughter also had spinal surgery that put her up in the hosptial for a week and a half. On a positive note she was supposed to be in there 2-3 weeks and was doing SO well that they sent her home super early. She also was able to go back to school a week and a half earlier than expected which freed up much of the time that was devoted to her care. I have also been working steadily on finishing up the analyses and writing of my dissertation in the other time of which I wasn't working, taking care of my daughter, and/or sleeping. So, needless to say, January was busy but so far we are chugging ahead with the dissertation with the hopes to make tremendous strides this month.