Bits of Wisdom - Humor

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.

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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

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An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

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There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

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Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.

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I am a nutritional overachiever.

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I am having an out of money experience.

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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

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Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.

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A day without sunshine is like night.

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If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

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It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

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The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

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Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

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You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.