This was sent to me a while ago and was a newspaper article written by my ungrad advisor's brother.
Would doctors today be so observant? C Josh Young 2004
My dad went to Harvard Medical School when its faculty was a Who's Who of the most famous doctors and medical scientists in America. Although from a poor family, by dint of hard work and a keen mind, my father graduated in the top half of a class dominated by graduates of fancy prep schools and the country's most prestigious universities. One story he liked to tell was about his last lab class at Harvard. Spring was in the air, and the students were excited to be moving on. Most had already received their next assignments as interns at hospitals around the country.
The students filed into the laboratory, but were disappointed to see the hard nosed professor had still more work for them. Other professors had yielded to the inevitable, and either dismissed classes early that day, or allowed the students to spend their final hour reminiscing. It should have come as little wonder, however, that their toughest professor still wouldn't let up.
There were warm and fragrant breezes outside, but in the chilly, tiled lab, a tepid yellow specimen sat waiting at each lab station. What possible tests could they run on urine, that they hadn't performed a hundred times before, they wondered.
"Gentlemen," the crusty old prof. began with his usual formality, "as you know, this will be your final laboratory class at Harvard. Today is my last chance to improve your feeble minds and give some hope to the poor patients you will one day serve." The students eyed each other, as if daring one another to make some smart remark, but in those days faculty members tolerated no dissent, and a wisecrack might be grounds enough to fail the course. You could have heard a pin drop.
"If I have taught you anything this semester," the ancient professor droned on, "I hope it is the paramount importance of observation. It is central to your future work as physicians, and without it, the best medicines will be useless in your hands.
"Observation has been a part of medicine since the time of Hippocrates, and it will be a part of medicine when you are all long gone," the professor predicted.
"Today, as proof of the lasting validity of one's powers of observation, we will discuss the classic test for diabetes," he continued ominously.
At this, some of the better informed students became noticeably
alarmed.
"For generations, indeed, for centuries, before science devised the modern tests for diabetes, which you have learned and practiced all year, the only way healers could assess imbalances of blood sugars was by tasting the patient's urine."
At the risk of drawing the professor's wrath, a few involuntary murmurs could be heard.
"Yes, Gentlemen, back then, a healer would have to taste a patient's urine, and determine by taste and smell what treatment was indicated." Outright groans went up as the professor deliberately dipped his finger in the beaker before him, swirling it around a bit for effect. He then raised his hand to his lips, gave a tentative lick, smiled, and licked again.
As if tasting a wine to judge its age and origin, the professor gave a quizzical look, and then spewed out voluminous facts about the relative tastes of urine. The students frantically scribbled notes. If the urine was sweet, it meant this; a bitter flavor indicated that; a strong salty taste, in the absence of sweetness, meant a quite different diagnosis was in order.
Then, finally, came the moment of truth.
Raising his beaker of urine, as if in a toast to the future graduates, the professor instructed his students to proceed.
"Tut, tut, now. Overcome your petty aversions, Gentlemen, and do as I just demonstrated, so you can test your powers of observation. Fresh urine is sterile, after all, and none of you will consume enough toxins to make you sick."
One by one the students proceeded with the experiment, some grimacing, others making an effort to show no emotion at all. A few strangely smiled.
"Now, Gentlemen," the professor finally continued, when he was satisfied each of them had dipped and licked, "those of you who are truly observant, will have noticed that, while I dipped my index finger into the urine in the beaker before me, it was actually a different finger which I licked.
"Thank you, Gentlemen. Class dismissed!"
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, February 17, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Humor - Gerbil Joke
This was sent to me a while ago but it is even funnier now that I live in Salt Lake City.
Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- An actual article from the LA Times
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Although, further research indicates that this is likely made up, it doesn't mean that it still isn't funny:
http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp
Flaming Projectile Gerbil -- An actual article from the LA Times
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Although, further research indicates that this is likely made up, it doesn't mean that it still isn't funny:
http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Humor - Late Night Alcohol Lecture
Stopped by police @ 2am. An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Humor - Clever Bumper Stickers
He
who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like ... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Humor - Great Quotes
1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Steven Seagal
(2) "The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not
a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy
(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
* Dave Barry
(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
* Marilyn Pittman
(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, gee, mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone
(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: Uh, duh!"
* Conan O'Brien
(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my goodness, I could be
eating a slow learner."
*Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne
(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
* Richard Jeni
(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson
(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
* Paul Rodriguez
(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld
(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson
(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
* Oscar Wilde
(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
* Mae West
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a
member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown
(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip
out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry
(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin
(24) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the Aspirin
bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
* Author Unknown
(25) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
* Drew Carey
(26) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in
her car."
* Author Unknown
* Robin Williams
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Humor - Chicken soup for the alcoholic soul
Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
--by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Monday, December 24, 2012
Twas the Night Before Christmas (kind of)
This was posted by Ken Carpenter on the Vert Paleo mailing list back in 2007.
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose
folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
Merychippus and a Hippo New Year
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose
folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."
Merychippus and a Hippo New Year
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Santa's Out of Prozac - Humor
Here is some Santa humor. Watch out for naughty language.
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,at least HE can spell!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
Dear Marky Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
*******************************************************
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE. Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,at least HE can spell!
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
*******************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
Dear Marky Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Love Your Job - Humor
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! The next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool! So to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I get the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my butt started to itch.
Of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression tops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Bits of Wisdom - Humor
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
divorce is a hundred grand.
***************************
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
**************************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Guy's Rules - Humor
The Guys' Rules
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Happy Saint Patricks Day - Humor
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
*******************************************************
I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
*******************************************************
I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT... Humor
Ah college, some of these are still apt for me but some remind me of the good ole days. And yea for 100 posts on The Remnant...
--------------------------------------------------------
I am a college student. I have a specific shower stall which I refer to as "mine" and my feet will never touch the floor of it.
I am a college student. I try to rotate stalls in the bathroom so I can read all the material taped to the walls.
I am a MALE college student. I always have more than one condom on hand. Two in one night? Morning after? You never know.
I am a college student. I now fail to distinguish the difference in taste between water and beer.
I am a FEMALE college student. I own a bathrobe.
I am a college student. I didn't get my homework done because the kid I share a book with wasn't home last night to get it to me.
I am a college student. Drunken scrawlings on my message board or late night drunken IM's from friends across campus no longer perplex me.
I am a college student. Somebody keeps stealing my damn message board marker.
I am a college student. I pre-party in my room just so I will be drunk enough not to notice the sub-zero weather when I walk to the bar without a coat.
I am a college student. I pray for hotties in my classes so that I will have a reason to go to that class. However, I will never talk to any of these hotties.
I am a college student. I can no longer remember what was cooked in those dirty dishes.
I am a college student. I have seen more than one party turn into a strip show.
I am a college student. My telephone number only has 4 digits.
I am a college student. I have spent nights on the floor because I couldn't get up the ladder to my bed.
I am a college student. I see no problem fitting 2 people in one twin size bed.
I am a MALE college student. I know that a gentleman would let her have the side by the wall (it's a long way to the floor).
I am a college student. I will cross busy streets just to pick up what might be a quarter.
I am a college student. I want a girl/boyfriend who disappears from 9pm - 2am every Friday and Saturday night, reappearing undressed in bed with me when I get home.
I am a college student. Answering machine messages are a thing to be celebrated.
I am a college student. When I see movie trailers on TV, I say "I can't wait to RENT that."
I am a college student. Going "out to eat" no longer involves getting in a vehicle.
I am a college student. I don't know half of my professors' names.
I am a FEMALE college student. I use empty beer bottles for vases.
I am a college student. Christmas lights are a year-round decoration.
I am a college student. Laundry bags double as suitcases.
I am a FEMALE college student. I have worn my huge fuzzy slippers to the cafeteria at dinnertime.
I am a college student. Going to bed before 2:00 is almost unheard of.
I am a college student. If it doesn't look or smell dirty, even if it has been on the floor for 3 days, it can be worn again.
I am a college student. Nat Lite is a high class beer.
I am a college student. I am accustomed to asking "do you have a student discount?" wherever I go.
I am a college student. Going to early classes in my pajamas is fine.
I am a college student. Parties Wednesday through Saturday night are never hard to find.
I am a college student. To get extra money I sell my plasma, or my roommate's cd's.
I am a college student. I am a free loader.
I am a college student. 3am trips to Wal-Mart are normal, and I am used to being tossed out of Wal-Mart drunk in the wee hours of the morning.
I am a college student. The only times that I eat breakfast are when I am still up from partying the night before.
I am a college student. I am an easy target for cops.
I am a college student. I have cussed out the people on the floor above me for being too loud at 3am.
I am a college student. I seldom make my bed.
I am a college student. I use milk crates for furniture and blankets to cover my window.
I am a college student. I enjoy seeing mail in my mailbox.
I am a college student. I have been to a toga party.
I am a college student. I have fallen down on campus before.
I am a college student. I plead to not drive whenever a group of us go out just so I don't lose my parking spot.
I am a college student. I hate bike cops.
I am a college student. I am not afraid to pop-a-squat behind bushes/trees on campus while walking between parties.
I am a college student. My suitemates and roommate are my family.
I am a college student. I have discovered that there is no juice in jungle juice.
I am a college student. I have yet to find the nearest church.
I am a college student. I often walk in on my roommate masturbating.
I am a college student... and I love every bit of it!
I am a college student. Republicans strike fear into the very core of my heart.
--------------------------------------------------------
I am a college student. I have a specific shower stall which I refer to as "mine" and my feet will never touch the floor of it.
I am a college student. I try to rotate stalls in the bathroom so I can read all the material taped to the walls.
I am a MALE college student. I always have more than one condom on hand. Two in one night? Morning after? You never know.
I am a college student. I now fail to distinguish the difference in taste between water and beer.
I am a FEMALE college student. I own a bathrobe.
I am a college student. I didn't get my homework done because the kid I share a book with wasn't home last night to get it to me.
I am a college student. Drunken scrawlings on my message board or late night drunken IM's from friends across campus no longer perplex me.
I am a college student. Somebody keeps stealing my damn message board marker.
I am a college student. I pre-party in my room just so I will be drunk enough not to notice the sub-zero weather when I walk to the bar without a coat.
I am a college student. I pray for hotties in my classes so that I will have a reason to go to that class. However, I will never talk to any of these hotties.
I am a college student. I can no longer remember what was cooked in those dirty dishes.
I am a college student. I have seen more than one party turn into a strip show.
I am a college student. My telephone number only has 4 digits.
I am a college student. I have spent nights on the floor because I couldn't get up the ladder to my bed.
I am a college student. I see no problem fitting 2 people in one twin size bed.
I am a MALE college student. I know that a gentleman would let her have the side by the wall (it's a long way to the floor).
I am a college student. I will cross busy streets just to pick up what might be a quarter.
I am a college student. I want a girl/boyfriend who disappears from 9pm - 2am every Friday and Saturday night, reappearing undressed in bed with me when I get home.
I am a college student. Answering machine messages are a thing to be celebrated.
I am a college student. When I see movie trailers on TV, I say "I can't wait to RENT that."
I am a college student. Going "out to eat" no longer involves getting in a vehicle.
I am a college student. I don't know half of my professors' names.
I am a FEMALE college student. I use empty beer bottles for vases.
I am a college student. Christmas lights are a year-round decoration.
I am a college student. Laundry bags double as suitcases.
I am a FEMALE college student. I have worn my huge fuzzy slippers to the cafeteria at dinnertime.
I am a college student. Going to bed before 2:00 is almost unheard of.
I am a college student. If it doesn't look or smell dirty, even if it has been on the floor for 3 days, it can be worn again.
I am a college student. Nat Lite is a high class beer.
I am a college student. I am accustomed to asking "do you have a student discount?" wherever I go.
I am a college student. Going to early classes in my pajamas is fine.
I am a college student. Parties Wednesday through Saturday night are never hard to find.
I am a college student. To get extra money I sell my plasma, or my roommate's cd's.
I am a college student. I am a free loader.
I am a college student. 3am trips to Wal-Mart are normal, and I am used to being tossed out of Wal-Mart drunk in the wee hours of the morning.
I am a college student. The only times that I eat breakfast are when I am still up from partying the night before.
I am a college student. I am an easy target for cops.
I am a college student. I have cussed out the people on the floor above me for being too loud at 3am.
I am a college student. I seldom make my bed.
I am a college student. I use milk crates for furniture and blankets to cover my window.
I am a college student. I enjoy seeing mail in my mailbox.
I am a college student. I have been to a toga party.
I am a college student. I have fallen down on campus before.
I am a college student. I plead to not drive whenever a group of us go out just so I don't lose my parking spot.
I am a college student. I hate bike cops.
I am a college student. I am not afraid to pop-a-squat behind bushes/trees on campus while walking between parties.
I am a college student. My suitemates and roommate are my family.
I am a college student. I have discovered that there is no juice in jungle juice.
I am a college student. I have yet to find the nearest church.
I am a college student. I often walk in on my roommate masturbating.
I am a college student... and I love every bit of it!
I am a college student. Republicans strike fear into the very core of my heart.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
A Thinking Problem - humor
Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then...just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then...just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Great Thinkers in History - Humor
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
---Mariah Carey
3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
---General William Westmoreland
And last but not least - a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
---Mariah Carey
3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
---General William Westmoreland
And last but not least - a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Getting Old Humor
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Doctor humor
Sent to me by my wife (who else).
A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Courtroom Humor
This is from old email sent to me by my aunt about 5 years ago.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_________________________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Thermodynaics of Hell - Humor
I know this email has been around but I figured I would psot it for any who have not seen it or it has been a while.
THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." , and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." , and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Parking Humor
This one sent to me by my sister a while ago:
PARKING TICKET
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
PARKING TICKET
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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