Saturday, January 29, 2011

A Thinking Problem - humor

Thinking


It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then...just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Great Thinkers in History - Humor

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

---Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are."

---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

---Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

---A Congressional Candidate in Texas

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

---General William Westmoreland

And last but not least - a parting word from Dan Quayle:

14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."


Makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Getting Old Humor

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Doctor humor

Sent to me by my wife (who else).


A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their
goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Courtroom Humor

This is from old email sent to me by my aunt about 5 years ago.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
______________________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_________________________________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Thermodynaics of Hell - Humor

I know this email has been around but I figured I would psot it for any who have not seen it or it has been a while.

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." , and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 Personal Goals - First Post

Here is our starting point for the year. Lets see if we can accomplish at least half of these. The list was also updated on the sidebar.
1. Finish first draft of my novel -
January 1st - 1st third is done. The plan this year is to write it and read it to Annabelle and edit it as I go.

2. Drop weight to 167
January 1st - 176.4. Starting off worse this year than last but I should have some more time to work out.


3. Balance our budget
January 1st - Things are looking up for this year with Veronica getting a new job (hopefully) after residency is complete.


4a. Read a total of 100 of the greatest books on my lists by my 30th birthday
January 1st - Current count 97. Only 3 to read by March 19th. This was the initial goal last year but I hoped to have them done earlier.

4b. Read 2 of the Top Ten books on Zanes book list
January 1st - I currently have 6 read. I figured I should be able to finish 2 of the 4 since 2 of them are very very long.


5a. Finish 2 more movies on my Geological Movie Review
January 1st - Look to start 2 new movies again


5b. Update the 1 Geologic Movie Review that was previously done and not updated
January 1st - 2 out of 3 up to par

6. Watch all of the 100 Greatest Movies of All Time (according to AFI)
January 1st - Current count 69. 31 left to go.

7. Finish bottom of hovercraft.
January 1st - I just need to finish epoxying and smoothing out the bottom then paint it. Not too much work but time is an issue.

8. Do 1 Geological Fact for each month.
January 1st - That is a total of 12 for the year. Hopefully I can get them set up ahead of time.

Other items of interest:
I think a good chunk of these items are doable by the end of the year. Hopefully I can get a lot of them done early that way I won't be rushing to try and finish them later.

2010 Personal Goals - December Update

12 months in, Final recap.

1. Finish first draft of my novel -
January 1st - 1st third done
February 1st - Nothing new
March 1st - Nothing
April 1st - Nothing
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st - Nothing
July 1st - Nothing
August 1st - I actually did start working on this. Reread over part of section 1
September 1st - Nothing new
October 1st - Nothing New
November 1st - Nothing new
December 1st - Nothing
January 1st - Nothing

2. Drop weight to 167
January 1st - 175.0
February 1st - 176.0
March 1st - 176.0
April 1st - 176.6
May 1st - 176.6
June 1st - 169.2 - Apparently walking around with Gummy Bear non-stop is a good weight loss plan.
July 1st - 170.0
August 1st - 170.2
September 1st - 172.2
October 1st - 173.4
November 1st - 174.2
December 1st - 175.8
January 1st - 176.4


3. Balance our budget
January 1st - Things are looking up for this year
February 1st - Working over the winter break helped, a $1700 car repair bill did not

March 1st - Going the wrong way, another car bill as well as a new carpet and apparently I owe on my taxes, great.
April 1st - Working out those extra expenses a little bit at a time
May 1st - Still working it out
June 1st - Getting closer
July 1st - Bah
August 1st - Still bah
September 1st - Still bah
October 1st - Since the desktop went on the fritz I have been keeping a close eye on this
November 1st - Yea, prolly not going to happen this year :-(
December 1st - Well, not getting worse
January 1st - About the same


a. Pay credit card
January 1st - Only one card left
February 1st - Still one card left
March 1st - Still on to go
April 1st - Still working on the one
May 1st - One
June 1st - One
July 1st - One to go but I made a large payment on it last month
August 1st - One
September 1st - One
October 1st - One
November 1st - One
December 1st - PAID OFF!!!!


4. Read a total of 100 of the greatest books on my lists
January 1st - Current count 86
February 1st - In the middle of Canterbury Tales
March 1st - Took a break from Canterbury Tales, time to get back
April 1st - Finished Canterbury Tales. 13 left to go. Reading Madame Bovary now
May 1st - Finished Madame Bovary. 12 left to go. Reading The Maltese Falcon now
June 1st - Finished The Maltese Falcon and The Twits. 10 left to go. Reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory now
July 1st - Finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 9 left to go. Not sure what to read next, I have a couple of choices lined up.
August 1st - Finished Matilda. 8 left to go.
September 1st - Finished Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Charlotte's Web. 6 left to go.
October 1st - Finished The Secret Garden. 5 left to go.
November 1st - No time to finish a book, still 5 to go.
December 1st - Finished The Wind in the Willows. 4 to go.
January 1st - Finished Holes. 3 to go


5. Finish 2 more movies on my Geological Movie Review
January 1st - Look to start 2 new movies
February 1st - Nothing done on this
March 1st - Nothing done
April 1st - Nothing done
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st -Nothing
July 1st - Started working on Earthquake!
August 1st - In the middle of one
September 1st - Nothing new
October 1st - Nothing new
November 1st - Nothing
December 1st - Nothing
January 1st - Nothing


a. Also update the last two I did
January 1st - One out of 3 up to par
February 1st - Nothing done on this
March 1st - Nothing done
April 1st - Nothing done
May 1st - Nothing
June 1st - Nothing
July 1st - Nothing
August 1st - Got the first 2 parts of Armageddon out
September 1st - Finished Armageddon. 1 left to do.
October 1st - Nothing New
November 1st - Nothing
December 1st - Nothing
January 1st - Nothing

Other items of interest:
Well all in all the year wasn't too bad. I partially worked on/finished a good chunk of my goals. December wasn't all that exciting. Finished up the semester in school and Santa got Annabelle lots of toys for Christmas (she must have been good this year). The only goal I did finish was to pay off the one credit card, which was a hold over from 2009. So that at least is done. On to 2011.